Do you feel sexy?

I look at myself and see a woman with a torn down self-esteem. My confidence was ripped away from me after years of bullying and constant fat shaming from my family. I was told I was beautiful just the way I was by my mother and the next day told I was too fat and needed to lose a couple pounds. I don’t think I can think of a more emotionally complicated situation for myself than that. The only way I can feel beautiful is by validation from other people. I can never look at myself and constantly say “I’m freaking beautiful”. Of course I have my days where I feel like the sexiest woman in the room, but rarely does that mentality help me build confidence. At the end of the day I feel like a woman that still has to work on herself to look how I feel inside.

Last night I went to the mall with my best friend. We were looking at rompers. There were a lot beautiful rompers too. I didn’t want to try any on because I already know what my body looks good in and what it doesn’t look good in. I only tried on one romper and that was enough for me to just get out and sit on the sidelines while I watched my friend look freaking sexy in the rompers she was trying on. (Shout out to Cameron!) I can admit that I was jealous about her beauty and her body. I wanted to look slim so that I could pull off an outfit like that.

It’s as if they were only meant for thin women! I am a big curvy woman with a belly! I need something that will match my body and look amazing! Even so, looking at myself and feeling pathetic pushed me and motivated me to keep going so I can reach my goal of losing weight. At this point losing one pound a month is like money falling from the sky. In other words, a blessing. I don’t want to rely on other people to make me feel sexy. I need to build that confidence. I think by dressing up more I’ll be able to truly add character to my confidence and build myself up.

My weight loss transition has been difficult thus far. I’ve had temptations. Many of which I caved into and many to whom I have said “NO!” I just runaway. Literally. Right now I am weak minded, but I’m building up my will to say no. Slowly but surely it has been paying off. I feel different and being in transition makes me feel responsible for my end goal. I have to take responsibility for something I have neglected.

At the end of the day I just want to buy a romper that will make my thighs looks great.


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